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CHRZEŚNIAK III

Wspominałem już kiedyś, że Szwagierka mnie nie cierpi, prawda? Nie cierpi mnie z powodu tego, co robię z moim chrześniakiem. Ja z kolei nie przepadam za nią z powodu tego, co ona robi z moim chrześniakiem.

Nasze stosunki są stabilne. Oboje kochamy mojego chrześniaka i oboje, byliśmy stanowczo przeciwni bym to ja zostawał jego ojcem chrzestnym. Odmawiałem kilka razy, a największym moim sojusznikiem była wtedy Szwagierka – wspierała mnie argumentami, a swojemu mężowi robiła wymówki i ciche dni; w tamtym czasie byliśmy jednomyślni i solidarni. Ostatecznie nie wyszło: ja zostałem ojcem chrzestnym a ona…

Najpierw trzymała chłopaka zamkniętego w bogatym domu z kucharką i pokojówką. Ubierany był w odzieże markowe z tych samych sklepów, w których kupuje jego ojciec. Krawat zaczął nosić zaraz po zdjęciu śliniaka. Z bogatego i czystego domu poszedł prosto do szkoły, także bogatej, czystej, małej i elitarnej, gdzie spotyka takich samych jak on małych paniczyków. Nie jego wina, ale jego cecha.

W tej szkole nie mówi się o takich rzeczach jak siusianie. Mamusie przyprowadzają wymuskane dzieci do wymuskanej szkoły. A potem ja dowiaduję się na prerii, że moja deska klozetowa jest trochę chropowata i kłuje biednego paniczyka w tyłek.

– To nie siadaj – mówię.

On mi na to, że mu się siku chce, więc musi.

– To nie siadaj! – powtarzam.

– To co? Bo nie wiem… Jak mam nie siadać, Stryjaszku? – i prawie się rozpłakał.

Najpierw się wkurzyłem, a potem byłem już tylko zatroskany i starałem się w te krótkie ferie nadrobić ile się da.

***

Jego ojciec, też nie chciał żebym to ja został ojcem chrzestnym. Nie chciał, ale… wykalkulował sobie, że tylko ja posiadam zestaw cech odwrotnych w stosunku do cech biologicznego ojca. Ojciec chrzestny ma zastępować ojca biologicznego, ma go uzupełniać wszędzie tam, gdzie rodzic biologiczny nie dorasta do funkcji. No i wyszło na mnie.

Jestem przeciwną stroną tęczy. Ojciec biologiczny zapewnia spokój, ciszę, czystość i stabilizację. Ja – ojciec chrzestny – zapewniam rzeczy niepokojące, hałaśliwe, niehigieniczne i ekscytujące.

***

Przed odlotem do Europy zatrzymałem się z chrześniakiem w hotelu niedaleko lotniska. Chrześniak chciał się „wysiurać” (niepokojące słowo, jego ulubione) w krzaki na parkingu, bo robienie tego na stojąco to dla niego umiejętność nowa i dziecko się zwyczajnie fascynuje, że potrafi. Ja mu na to, że w mieście nie powinien w krzaki: Jeśli w pobliżu jest toaleta idziesz do toalety, a tu jest miasto i toalety są wszędzie.

Chrześniak na to: Aaa… miasto. Rozumiem, Stryjaszku, w mieście należy siurać w toaletach. A pluć wolno?

***

Pluć też go musiałem nauczyć, bo ten chłopak naprawdę nic nie umiał. Pluć, gwizdać, nic! Szwagierka na razie nie dzwoniła w sprawie plucia, ale zadzwoni.

Na kurs plucia poszliśmy do sąsiada – kowboja – który potrafi z odległości metra wcelować w muchę i ją zabić. Chwali się tą swoją sztuczką w naszej knajpie. Zabrałem chrześniaka na szkolenie i byłem potem bardzo dumny – chłopak ma wrodzony talent i opanował sztuczkę z muchą w czasie pierwszej czy drugiej lekcji, podczas gdy ja wciąż nie mogę.

wc

PS
Czy ktoś z Państwa orientuje się, kiedy w Polsce pojawią się pierwsze wiosenne muchy? Wtedy przestanę odbierać telefon, bo szwagierka na pewno będzie dzwonić.

 

Jeżeli podobają Ci się materiały publicystów portalu Prawy.pl wesprzyj budowę Europejskiego Centrum Pomocy Rodzinie im. św. Jana Pawła II poprzez dokonanie wpłaty na konto Fundacji SOS Obrony Poczętego Życia: 32 1140 1010 0000 4777 8600 1001. Pomóż leczyć ciężko chore dzieci.

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