Felieton

Bunt przystawek. Kawior, Ośmiorniczki i Dopalacze wyszły na ulice

images_nowe_stories_media_felietonisci_pawel_janowski_aktualneTak świetnie było zaplanowane, a tak okiwani zostali. Kawior się rozmroził, Ośmiorniczki rozlazły, a reszta odpaliła bez sensu. „To kotlet kręcił głową i widelcem, a nie widelec kotletem” – wołają na ulicach i placach. „Niech każdy schabowy zapamięta, czy to w panierce, czy bez. Bo kotlet jaki jest każdy widzi”. Bez kości, żeby nie powiedzieć bez kręgosłupa. „I my lubimy kotlety bez kości, dobrze obtłuczone, wytrzęsione i wytarzane. One są nasze. Tylko ten nie rozumie, z kogo kotleta nie zrobili” – wołają chórem.

Przedstawiciele niezawiśli i niezależni wszelkich około daniowych smakołyków protestują przeciw skreślaniu ich z Menu. Przeciwko skreśleniu ich z członkostwa w Spiżarni i odłączeniu Kroplówki, to znaczy od prądu. Tyle się nasortowali przez osiem lat, tyle napakowali, co niektórzy na ochotnika nawet zapakowali się próżniowo, a tu taka odwilż. Nie wolno, nie godzi się. To zamach na mrożonki!

Ostrzegają, że jak zarządzą powszechne rozmrażanie, to wszyscy zmiękną, a niektórzy popłyną. Niechybnie grozi nam powódź, a już co najmniej podtopienia.

Dlatego Włodzimierz Ubezpieczyciel milczy tym razem. Nie rusza się z puszczy. Ale nie milczy inny dobroczyńca. Naprzeciwko zatroskanym przystawkom wyszedł prorok Bolkosław Lech Największy od pięciuset lat. I przez następne pięćset też największy. Wirtuoz gry wszelkiej, przy którym Chopin mógłby najwyżej na bębenkach popukać. Bolek multiinstrumentalista. Człowiek o stu twarzach, dwudziestu kontach, wieszcz i interpretator. Długa jest lista jego cnót i zasług. I chociaż przyszłoby stu pisarzy i każdy powiedziałby o czym tam marzy, to nie sięgnęliby myśli Lecha, taka to z wielka pociecha.

Podobno nawet Agent Wolski regularnie pytał się go o przyszłość Polski i świata. On wiedział co 1976 robotnicy w Radomiu zrobią i co z nimi zrobią. To drugie, to wiedział bardziej, by był bliżej… odpowiednich proroków mniejszych. Poza tym w tamtym czasie szykował się już na konklawe. Na wszystkie konklawe. Konferował z kardynałami i Duchem Świętym, którego namawiał na wybór Karola Wojtyły, bo już zaplanował Sierpień w Grudniu.

Dyrektorzy Agencji Rozwoju i Modernizacji Rolnictwa i Gospodarstw Potrzebujących Wsparcia oraz Polskiego Czerwonego Krzyża, jak skreślali liczby w totolotka, dla potrzebujących oczywiście, to zawsze po konsultacjach. No i mieli szczęście, trzeba to przyznać. A Bolkosław szczodry był i na pralkę nie żałował, jakby co. Trzymał zawsze z Kawiorami. Bo Kawior, to brzmi dumnie. Ważny wtedy był i rzadko występował w przyrodzie i na pułkach sklepowych, chyba że „za firankami Pewexu”. Inny plankton i ikra gorszego sortu go nie interesowała i nie interesuje. Bolkosław patrzy, gdzie wzrok nie sięga i bierze wszystko, co da się przelać. Najlepiej na konto.

To dzięki geniuszowi Bolkosława sławę zdobyły drożdżówki i herbata z cukrem. Teraz chodzą dumne w glorii bohaterów i bojowników o wolność śniadań i innych przerw w pracy. I mówią, że bezglutenowe są, że nawet z cukrem sobie radzą świetnie. Bezczelne takie są. Co prawda spadły już pierwszych stron gazet, nie przeprowadzają z nimi wywiadów i nie chcą ich zapraszać do szkół i zakładów pracy z prelekcjami, ale sława została. No i sprzedaż wzrosła. Piekarze zacierają ręce i gniotą na potęgę. Cukiernie zwiększyły zamówienia. Drożdżówki mogą bez żadnych przeszkód zalegać w sklepikach szkolnych i nie muszą działać pod przykryciem.

Główną ofiarą drożdżowej rewolucji została Joanna, ale ona zawsze lubiła zaszaleć, gdy nikt jej nie pilnował, dlatego teraz niewielu jej współczuje. A Joann u nas dostatek. Niedawno nadeszła nowa dostawa. Z posypkami w różnych smakach – Nowoczesnych i tradycyjnych, robotniczych i obywatelskich. Każdy może znaleźć Joannę na swoją miarę. Na miarę potrzeb i oczekiwań najnowszej linii produkcyjnej i pragnień konsumentów. Można nawet zaprojektować sobie Joannę lub wyhodować w przydomowym ogródku. Najlepiej rośnie regularnie obsypywana drobniakami. No i trzeba wciąż do niej mówić, że jest najpiękniejsza na świecie. To taka mała skaza genetyczna, z którą koledzy ze WSI jeszcze sobie nie radzą. Ale pracują nad tym. Pracują.

I tak bardzo pracują i eksperymentują, że spróbowali nowego rodzaju hodowli. W ramach tego doświadczenia, nazywanego w kręgach zaufanych – hybrydowym, wypuszczono przystawki na wolny wybieg. To ma być hybryda ekologiczna. Mają chodzić samopas po całym kraju. Gdzie chcą, kiedy chcą i nawet, jak nie chcą.

Pierwszy podniósł głowę Kawior. Ma opinię niezawisłego od niczego, poza rybami. Na ich temat wolał się nie wypowiadać, bo wiadomo, pochodzenie zobowiązuje. To jego koledzy podrzucają rybie głowy zwycięzcom Bolkolotka. Kawior powiedział na zebraniu: „Póki szły dania, aperetify, zupki wszelakie – raz na zimno, raz na gorąco, w zależności od temperatury za oknem, to było wszystkim dobrze! I po co było to zmieniać, po co?” Zapytał retorycznie. Kelnerzy co prawda utracili zaufanie, ale biznes się kręcił. Nawet potłuczony Schabowy nie protestował, bo po co.

A tu Koło Fortuny poszło w ruch. Na alarm biją najbardziej nieuzależnieni analitycy. Wolność dla używek i dla używających używek! Wciskacze bajek o prognozowanych kursach walut straszą kredytomaniaków Armagedonem ekonomicznym. Wpatrzeni w swój portfel nic nie widzą. Ciemność widzą. Zwłaszcza po powrocie z wyczerpujących urlopów w Alpach Szwajcarskich zapadają w letarg i zauważają braki. Na koncie najbardziej. Żony i inne towarzyszki zmagań urlopowych przezornie milczą. Ale ubytek w portfelu jest tak bolesny, że trzeba bić w bęben.

Mówią, że można było skreślić z listy dań paluszki rybne, no może jakieś warzywne mrożonki, ale nie ośmiorniczki. Rozmrażane wielokrotnie i kupione na zapas. Owoce morza szykują się do buntu i starszą, że wrócą do Japonii. Tak profilaktycznie.

Zaraz po owocach morza przemówił pięć lat nam miłościwie pilnujący Żyrandola Bronisław. „Sezon łowczy czas zacząć” – powiedział i zaprezentował swoje nowe możliwości. Zdziwionemu bardzo, że nie dostał zaproszenia na ważne wydarzenia, wytłumaczono, że w Budzie Ruskiej zlikwidowano punkt pocztowy i przeniesiono do Chobielina, bo teraz w tamtejszych okolicach planowany jest większy obrót przesyłkami i innymi dobrami natury. Tak stwierdzono na podstawie badań nastrojów i ruchu ptactwa, które w tym roku szybciej zaczęło się przemieszczać. Niektóre gatunki na najbliższe cztery lata osiądą za Atlantykiem. Już wiją gniazda wielosezonowe. Tak mówią ornitolodzy, a oni na ptakach się znają.

A co do miłośników rebusów, krzyżówek i innych łamigłówek, uderzył w te słowa Bronisław: „Od tych wydarzeń minęło kilkadziesiąt lat. Poszukiwanie nieprawnie poszukiwanych dokumentów musi uwzględniać fakt, że nie grzebie się w pamiątkach rodzinnych… (…) Jeżeli to jest na chybił-trafił, bez podejrzenia, że coś się tam znajduje, to nie jest to w duchu obowiązującego w Polsce prawa, aczkolwiek motywacje są zrozumiałe…”. Na chybił-trafił, to tylko Bolkosław potrafił.

Zacytować za portalem „wPolityce” musiałem, bo nikt by mi nie uwierzył, że Pan Były tak wysłowił się. Opierając się o nierozpakowaną niszczarkę, nerwowo bawił się sztućcami z pałacu. „Nie sposób przeszukać całej Polski!” – zawołał. Ale Budę można.

Z dumą myślę i mówię, że byłem rewolucjonistą pierwszej godziny. Aresztowany pierwszy raz w grudniu 1971 roku. Pierwszy raz pałką dostałem w 1968 roku! Wiem, jak trudna była to walka!” A co z buntem kawiorowym? „Moja żona chodzi tam z wnukami, mnie też tam serce ciągnie…”. Na te słowa Bolkosław się żachnął, bo on był rewolucjonistą jeszcze przed pierwszą. Za pięć dwunasta on już czekał na posterunku. Czekał na instrukcje.

Ale „mleko się rozlało, trzeba posprzątać (…) Wyciekło, to wyciekło”. Powiedziała znajoma handlarka ze straganu. Kawior, nie kawior, a ośmiorniczki nogi pogubiły. Wszyscy skaczą i fruwają, na spacerki zapraszają. Raz, dwa, raz, raz. „Popadamy w jakąś paranoję” – mówią przystawki. I mają rację.

Cały naród polski wierzy. Część narodu wierzy bardzo, tylko nie w to, co trzeba i partia karze. A Niemcy wierzą Bolkosławowi najbardziej. Wierzą tak, jak Bezprymowi. Taka u nich tradycja. Od tysiąca lat wierzą tym, którzy za drobną opłatą podzielą się informacjami.

W sytuacji napięcia przedupadkowego lekarze zalecają długie spacery. Dlatego popieram lekarzy. Niech się przystawki przewietrzą, niech pospacerują. Wiosna już za oknem, gęsiarki w nowych kreacjach ruszają na pola. Nawet Główny Urząd Statystyczny przeżywa nieplanowaną odwilż i mówi, że to co miało być zielone, zielone nie było. Bo im się cyferki poprzestawiały. Pogodynki zapowiadają wiosenną falę nawróceń wszelkich Smażalni Opinii Społecznych. Czas przewietrzyć zapasy i powyrzucać nieświeże rybki, bo pani Magdalena po Polsce krąży i nie przepuści. Jak rewolucje, to rewolucje. Nieświeżemu nie przepuści. Biedne ośmiorniczki z przekroczoną datą przydatności do spożycia. Oj biedne. Popłyną z prądem.

A nad wszystkim w ciszy i dyskrecji największej czuwają Dopalacze. Dobrze skrojone, opakowane, błyszczące, cieszące oko koneserów i kolekcjonerów. Siedzą ukryte w altankach na Polankach i debatują. Zwiększać ilość kofeiny, czy nie zwiększać? Wrzucić dodatkową partię na rynek, czy poczekać aż pragnienie wzrośnie? Co ma zrobić Kawior, jak go doszczętnie rozpakują? Albo ośmiorniczki oraz inne owoce morza i demokracji po rozmrożeniu? Jak tyć pytają się, jak tyć?! Pani Henryko niech pani nam powie: Jak tyć?

 

Felieton ukazał się w najnowszym wydaniu „Tygodnika Solidarność”

WSZYSTKIE PRAWA DO TEKSTU ZASTRZEŻONE. Możesz udostępniać tekst w serwisach społecznościowych, ale zabronione jest kopiowanie tekstu w części lub całości przez inne redakcje i serwisy internetowe bez zgody redakcji pod groźbą kary i może być ścigane prawnie.

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